I dont really feel better. I feel upset. Not depressed but upset. My mother is dealing with some basic health issues and I’m having to deal with the fact that I may not have a mom forever. I can’t imagine a world with out my mom. Either of my parents really. I mean, what do you do when the people who raised you are gone.
I am self sufficient and all that jazz but your parents are stuck a strong connection to your past and foundation of who you are. It is a strange month when I don’t see my parents at least once. It’s a strange week if I don’t talk to my mother at least three times. When I’m sick or stressed or scared or struggling I talk to her or dad. When life is bad and I caused it, they are my reminder that things go on and we made choices, deal with the results and move on.
My mom lost her mom last year. .. it was a slow process. I visited my grandmother’s bed side as she was passing and thought about how lucky I was to grow up with grandparents and how my grandmother was two people in my mind. The grandmother before the stroke and the grandmother after the massive stroke. The before grandmother offered pot roast and hot chocolate for tea parties, the after grandmother smiled with half her face and sang to you are my sunshine with strange mumble mouth. Even when it was hard, there were those amazing moments. The days when she recognized and wanted to try and interact with everyone. Dying grandmother lay there, struggling with each breath and surrounded with her daughters. The love and loss they felt was heavy in the air.
I wonder if I will have to sit vigil over my mom as she passes. If she will leave me slowly or quickly. Will I recognize the woman who went from being a mother to a confidant and friend when its her time? Will I have to let her go in the next few years or will she stay around for the future. We always are at risk for losing the people we love. How one comes to terms With that loss, I hope I still have a few years to figure it out.