This is a late posting. I wrote this a bit ago but wasn’t sure I was ready to share this with the world. I think I need to though. If nothing else, maybe someone else who struggles or knows someone who struggles can relate. Since coming back from vacation I am doing much better and am taking a mood stabilizer.
I’m back again. I am still fighting the general apathy that both proceeds and follows my heavier depression spells. I am going to get this stuff done though. I did complete the May day challenge and I am still looking forward to moving into my trailer (84 days at most). My apartment is a terror but not as bad as it has been in the past. I think this is because there isn’t as much to get out of place. I do still intend to get rid of more stuff. There is soo much extra in my life. I can’t move into the trailer with the amount I still have.
I still dream of going into the trailer after a long day. Walking into the cleanliness and open space that is organized and maintainable. Oh such a relief. I strongly believe that can be a reality for me and I am worried that if I can’t manage that, I will need to go into therapy or become some sort of hoarder.
Who the hell knows.. Maybe I need to do therapy anyway. I have no real reason for depression or any of that.. I don’t understand why I can’t control those parts of my brain. I know that it will pass but I still get all the sad and apathy in the whole wide world. It’s so frustrating and debilitating. I am doing a great job at work, I have a pretty good relationship, I have wonderful friends and I am reaching some of my major goals.. but depression takes all that good feeling away. It’s like you feel like nothing you can do will change anything and it’s not worth the effort.. then like your heart is falling into a pit.. and depression eats away at your happiness till all you want to do is sleep and fade away. I’m lucky that there is a little voice in the back reminding me “this passes” but I am worried about the day I don’t hear that little voice. I hope I will be able to hear when my family and friends and loved ones tell me that I am doing great and that they love me. I don’t know how people with stronger depression survive without medicine.
On that note.. if you know anyone with depression.. be patient with them and show them love. It’s not a plea for attention or a want to be the victim. It’s a struggle with your own brain that you never seem to be able to win.