Depression Notes. (Old post finally shared)

This is a late posting. I wrote this a bit ago but wasn’t sure I was ready to share this with the world. I think I need to though. If nothing else, maybe someone else who struggles or knows someone who struggles can relate. Since coming back from vacation I am doing much better and am taking a mood stabilizer.

 

I’m back again. I am still fighting the general apathy that both proceeds and follows my heavier depression spells. I am going to get this stuff done though. I did complete the May day challenge and I am still looking forward to moving into my trailer (84 days at most). My apartment is a terror but not as bad as it has been in the past. I think this is because there isn’t as much to get out of place. I do still intend to get rid of more stuff. There is soo much extra in my life. I can’t move into the trailer with the amount I still have.

I still dream of going into the trailer after a long day. Walking into the cleanliness and open space that is organized and maintainable. Oh such a relief. I strongly believe that can be a reality for me and I am worried that if I can’t manage that, I will need to go into therapy or become some sort of hoarder.

Who the hell knows.. Maybe I need to do therapy anyway. I have no real reason for depression or any of that.. I don’t understand why I can’t control those parts of my brain. I know that it will pass but I still get all the sad and apathy in the whole wide world. It’s so frustrating and debilitating. I am doing a great job at work, I have a pretty good relationship, I have wonderful friends and I am reaching some of my major goals.. but depression takes all that good feeling away. It’s like you feel like nothing you can do will change anything and it’s not worth the effort.. then like your heart is falling into a pit.. and depression eats away at your happiness till all you want to do is sleep and fade away. I’m lucky that there is a little voice in the back reminding me “this passes” but I am worried about the day I don’t hear that little voice. I hope I will be able to hear when my family and friends and loved ones tell me that I am doing great and that they love me. I don’t know how people with stronger depression survive without medicine.

On that note.. if you know anyone with depression.. be patient with them and show them love. It’s not a plea for attention or a want to be the victim. It’s a struggle with your own brain that you never seem to be able to win.

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3 Responses to Depression Notes. (Old post finally shared)

  1. Eric says:

    The world has so many beautiful things in it. Your vacation photo is of one of them. Looking in a mirror, you will see another. You are loved and appreciated by many, many people (including me). Your bubbly energy is so much fun to be around and your willingness to try things (such as this trailer life) is a fun, interesting part of you.

    We are very sorry that you fight depression at times. Depression is not something I know much about – guess my brain just doesn’t move in that direction – so hard for me to really understand. But if everyday life burdens bring on your depression, remember that the vast number of challenges we run into during our lives really seem inconsequential in hindsight a couple years down the road. And also remember that many others (including some within your family) have experienced depression and so may be able to offer first hand understanding of what helps them.

    Love ya.

    • Some Art Teacher says:

      Thank you so much for your words of support. I feel grateful that I have the love and support of my family and friends. Yalls help is one of the reasons I can do the things I do.

  2. Crystal says:

    We love you! Depression sucks. I understand that feeling of complete apathy even though life is good, or at least okay. Volunteer work helps me drag myself through it until the days look good again. Good luck.

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