I am exhausted. I donated a bag of clothing. I just wanted to make sure I hit at least that goal. This week, one of the special ed students and the school I teach at has decided I am his focus. He is not violent to people (good) but is to stuff (bad) and isn’t allowed in my classroom.
I made the mistake of working with him on stuff outside. I played with him and sidewalk chalk. I always say hi. In general I am friendly and nice to him. It seemed like a good idea. When he is involved in an activity outside, he is fine and calm. I actually enjoy those times with the student.
I only say mistake because now, all day long, I have a rather large student yanking with his whole body on the locked door to my classroom while howling and crying and throwing fits. All day. When I want students in, I have to flag over the special ed teacher to help just block him from entering my classroom. Only one of the women helping with that class will do anything. The other one, although nice, refuses to help because she doesn’t want to take a chance on getting hurt and the actual teacher of the special ed classroom recently took a fall because of said child and needs to make sure he doesn’t pull on her wrist anymore for a while.
It is incredible hard to teach students when they are worried about this child being violent. After seeing the way he flings his body against the door and yanks on the handles, I don’t blame them for being distracted or scared. I have tried my best to explain to them that they are safe, but I am beginning to wonder. As he has begun to yank on teachers arm in hopes that they will unlock my classroom door, he has actually started to become a physical problem. That aside, the constant howling and yelling and basically being trapped in or out of my room if I don’t have help has taken a serious toll on my emotions and mental state. I feel bad for resenting the student. I know the special ed teachers can’t really do much and I feel massively disappointed in an education system that I already believed was failing to help students constantly. I can’t focus to grade or get any work done in my room and even to slip out and go to the rest room is a bit of an ordeal.
Tonight, I am worn out, frustrated, and needing to relax so I got home, showered and opened the doors and windows. Oh the breeze feels so nice. I am taking deep deep breaths and deciding if teaching is really for me or not. As our education system forces students more and more into main stream situations that needed the smaller individualized settings, things like this will become more and more prominent. I am not sure that I am interested in teaching in a setting like that. As the breeze makes my house feel all fresh and clean and I sit here trying to actually relax, I am realizing that if this doesn’t get better at my school shortly, I will need to move to another district. I need to work some where I can feel safe, focus on doing a great job, and not feel so distracted that I can’t relax enough to enjoy my personal life.
This blog was supposed to be about losing stuff and gaining freedom but as I have focused more and more on my life, I realize that I use stuff many times as an alternative to being happy. Gaining freedom is about so much more than realizing I am hiding behind physical objects, it has become about figuring out what makes me happy and how much happiness can I truly find here in this life.
I hope that as you all are finding your personal freedoms, you are also remembering what makes you happy, keeping the parts of your life that fulfill you and shedding the parts that drag you down.