I have been trying to go to bed earlier these days and to get 7-9 hours in bed asleep. I have noticed this has helped my workouts, my weight loss, the quickness in which I am processing things and my moods. It does give me more time to think however.
Tonight, I curled up into bed around 9ish. I am jolted at 9:20 with an image floating through my head of my grandmother. It was post her multiple strokes (which she suffered when I was in high school) and of her laughing. The part of her face that still communicated with the world relaxed into a small open with the almost chuckle escaping her lips. Those lips that half heartedly communicated what my grandmothers brain told them too. She has been doing poorly again lately and has chosen to stop drinking. I will not begrudge her the choice to come or go on her own ground, especially since I would have given up a long time ago. I will, however, miss her greatly.
When I was younger, my younger brother and I were forced into a family vacation with her and my mother that neither of us wanted to go on. It involved going to the San Antonio Board walk and the boarder of Mexico. The ladies had planned to do some shopping and have some bonding time but my brother and I were so fed up with each other that all we did was bitch and bicker the whole time. They ended the trip early. Every time I see kids arguing like that, I have to resist the urge not to rush over and tell them, be nice around your family, one day they will be dead and you will wish you had given them better times and more years.
I have said my goodbyes already to my grandmother and I know that she may pass this week. I have been trying to figure out if I wanted to drive to Louisiana this weekend to be with my mother through some of this hard time. Today, she sensed my struggle. This weekend is the once a year, large Houston RV show. I have been waiting months to go to this get a better sense for what I want. Going from RV lot to RV lot has not been as helpful as I had hoped it would be and this was going to be my saving grace for shopping. My mom told me today that it would be ok if I didn’t come up this weekend. I hear her saying she is fine with it but I have to wonder, when my mother is about to pass, will I be fine with not having stood beside her as her mother was passing or will I regret leaving her with her sisters (family drama there) and her mom.
I am struggling with not taking a personal day from work. I am a teacher and it is really frowned upon but I may choose to do it anyway. RV show then hit the road. Get to Louisiana late Saturday, visit Sunday and head back Monday. Maybe I will just go Saturday after the show and come back on Sunday. I want to give my mom a hug. Thinking on it.
Monday I will let everyone know how everything goes and if I went to the RV show, I will upload some photos of what I saw.