There is this mentality that we must always be doing something. I think it comes from our hurry scurry lifestyles but I feel like it is only exasperated by our instant Internet connections, drive through food chains, cell phones and incessant advertisement. I feel like there is little to no time to just stop and breath.
There was a point during high school when I tried meditation. It was incredible hard to turn off the 24/7 thoughts racing around through my super caffeinated brain but after about a month of practice, I could quiet my thoughts for small amounts of time. As an adult, I am to the point where I think I need to pick up this practice again.
Three days a week I wake up early and race towards the gym to try to get a short work out in. I sit in traffic for 45 mins counting on other cars to move fast enough that I can beat the train that tries to block my path to school. I make double use of this time and contact my mom in the mornings. I race around during the school week trying to get papers turned into to correct places, students prepared for activities and parents notified of students who are in need of a little extra at home help. I sit around 30 mins total during my day as a teacher and most of that time is during meetings with other teachers where we are discussing the data that we have seen from recent studies on how our students are learning. Monday and Wednesday I have after school obligations that last from around 8 to sometimes as late as 9:45. These are looser obligations than the Tuesday after school staff development meetings that last until 5. Thursday and Friday are the only two days where I have a chance to go straight home and actually do stuff in my apartment. I have a Saturday engagement that I was going to each week and a Sunday one I was going to every other week.
I have been feeling stretched thin and burnt out but that is no surprise. Adding to this hustle busle schedule was some personal drama between group members that added more than a little stress to the weekend time I had, and today, I just kinda reached a breaking point. I love spending time with my friends. I do not love feeling stressed wondering if people are not going to get along. It just makes the good parts of living such a very full life feel awful. This unfortunately has escalated to the point where, today, after a small surge of emotions from two disagreeing friends, I realized that Sundays were no longer actually fun for me. I loved when they went smoothly but we couldn’t, as a group, seem to make it the whole day without something coming up.
I thanked the group leader for the considerable amount of time and effort he has put into planning and hosting our events and expressed my condolences for no longer being part in them. I have excused myself from the situation for good. I am hoping that having Sundays back will mean that I get to feel more relaxed in the long run and that i remember to keep some of this time for myself. I should take some of that Sunday time to wind down and just be calm without the TV playing or my lists in front of me. At least one hour of this gained time should be spent just relaxing.
I am wondering if I can go back to the meditation state where you have let go of your thoughts and are at calm. I will be sure to keep you all updated!