Sometimes I miss being fat.

Good day all!

So.. weightloss.. body image.. all of that is touchy touchy these days I know… And I want people to be happy with themselves. I’d also appreciate if that meant they could be healthy too. I’m not going to preach at any one though.. cause truth is, sometimes I miss being fat.

I’m 5 foot 4 inches. Two years ago I was 200 lbs. I lost 50 lbs in a year and worked very hard to keep it up. Lately I’ve slipped up 10 lbs but some of that I think is muscle (gym frequently this year) and my inches have only changed a little. I am healthier than I have been since 2006 and have been working out/eating better but..

I miss going to dinner and not thinking of the calories or points. I miss getting loaded potato skins for an appetizer, a bacon cheese burger during the meal with fries, and topping all that off with a brownie sunday or a rum and coke. Real coke, not diet.

I use weight watchers to try and “Gamify” the point keeping but.. Even if I save all my food points, I just can’t in my mind justify eating all of that in one meal anymore.  Yesterday I may have teared up about this. Wanting to eat junk, the pain in my legs from working out, and my total frustration at the numbers on the scale not going down lead to me tearing up while eating out with my guy. I had to excuse myself to go wipe my eyes. I wanted a favorite of mine at the restaurant but couldn’t justify having it with my brownie sunday that I had been waiting for all week. This is how sweet my guy is, he suggests that I get it anyway. I have the room for it in my weekly points and I save them to use them. It’s not just that though. It’s just the wearing down of not seeing results I want from working out and knowing that with my body, if I want to eat any sort of crap food, I am going to have to work out 5-7 times a week for the rest of my life. I find that somewhat depressing even though I like cardio..

Has anyone else been struggling with keeping up with life changes they are making for themselves? I feel like I’m the only one missing my worse version of myself.

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4 Responses to Sometimes I miss being fat.

  1. Hey some art teacher and thanks for sharing your most inner thoughts with us.

    I have about 60 pounds to lose which I have started doing, and I’ll be the first to agree with you that it is effing hard!!

    I did do the WW back in 2004 and I dropped over 50 pounds which was amazing…but over the years…and my being cocky about being able to lose weight any time I wanted, it crept back up.

    I remember though, when I was losing the weight, seeing a very large, obese man walking down the street with a large size pizza box in his hand. I thought to myself…”F**K, why can’t I be that guy…he’s gonna devour that large pizza and I’m sure it’s going to be delicious!”

    My thoughts jarred me and I realized that maybe that guy was going to feel really guilty afterwards, or worse, hate himself for eating a large pizza. Or maybe, he was actually NOT going to eat it! And maybe I was being an idiot for wanting the one thing I was trying to avoid!

    Suffice it to say, that moment stayed with me for a long time.

    Your BF is right though, if you have the points, why beat yourself up over it. On the other hand, you have to live with your actions and if you feel better about not eating something, then that works as well.

    I wish you much success and take care. All the best.

    Lyle

  2. I’m so glad I’m not the only one whose had those moments.. I wish there had been a bit of clarity for me afterwards. I think I am going to put a picture of me before on the phone and the photos I took right after.. Hell, maybe I’ll share them up here. When I want to eat all the stuff in the world (all of it.. at once) I can go back and look at the changes and the things I get to do now.

    Like walk in the winter without my knees needed a brace.

  3. imber says:

    I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time with this. Please keep in the back of your mind that you’re doing this to keep yourself healthy, and that stress takes a very physical toll on the body. If you feel the stress is not worth it, consider taking a break.

    I feel I am having the opposite problem. It seems all my female friends are having success in various weight-loss avenues. I feel like I don’t have the will power to try most of these; I’m of course afraid of trying and failing, but moreso of failing to try.

    I’ve never had any willpower when it comes to food; most people would find my diet restrictive, but the vegan aspect is just not an issue (and does not, in itself, help with weight loss!). When C and I were in Martial Arts, I didn’t really realize it at the time, but besides being in pretty great physical shape, we looked pretty good too. However, we never ate any less. More, if anything!

    So, I’ve never tried. I’m afraid I’ll fail, I feel like I’ll fail. And I’m afraid I’ll fail to ever really try.

    • Thank you Imber for your support. I actually want to take a week off but am afraid that at this point, a week off would lead to bingeing. I may eat HCG foods for a week (in larger quantities) just so Im not constantly counting.

      As for trying and failing, you’ve watched me struggle through the years.. I’ll work out and lose some weight then a year later pack it back on. I love to eat and I love to eat sweets so figuring out how to keep up with my waistline is hard. I have full belief that when you hit the point where you want to lose weight and have time, you will. Remember, none of us are balancing baby toddles worth while trying all of there things.

      30 mins of cardio (like martial arts) or fast walking can make a world of difference though if you can find the time. Mentally and physically I think that makes the biggest difference for me.

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