I have a sadness that is sitting deep in my chest. It’s this dull tint of pain just rattling around my lungs mixed with all the air of the world around.
Usually sadness just rolls off me. I mean.. it’s like normally it just hits through the first few levels of my normal perky happy self and I shed a few tears and shake it off.
This though is an old sad. I lost my grandmother on my fathers side a few years ago. My grandmother on my mothers side has been struggling health wise for the last couple of years. She has had several strokes and has lost most of her ability to communicate for more than basic needs. She can’t walk very well any more on her own. She has congestive heart failure issues and today it was confirmed that some suspicious spots in her lungs and colon are cancer.
I struggle because I love her so much but I remember her as the grandmother that warmed up Pecan Pinrolls and let us eat at the counter. The grandmother that made hot chocolate and let us have tea parties. In my memory, there is the warm, smiling, well put together woman who was exploring the world on cruises and visiting family members and full of love. Instead, the reality is that woman is trapped in this frail body that has failed her over and over again. Even her determination and stubborn hard work couldn’t bring her back from the last massive stroke. So my heart and mind knows she’s trapped in this shell..
but it’s still so hard to let her go.